What a Difference

I was cleaning up the house today and thought back over the last year of my life.  So much has happened and so much has changed.  I don't just mean physically but mentally as well.  I am not saying life is perfect but it perfectly imperfect right now.

I am a tell it like it is person and many I know can not stand it yet some how it is this very trait that has really helped me prosper in our little world.  I talk more than most, point out when relationships are and aren't working, announce my triumphs and whisper my failures.  While this has driven some away it has brought many closer.  I love interaction and I love a debate so over the last year if I was met with silence I would either let it roll off or just know that me and that individual are in different spaces.  And that includes hubby.

Through this honesty with myself and those around me I am a much happier much more content individual.  I took some time in the last year or so to evaluate my needs as a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a friend and even a believer!  The results are nothing short of a happier and healthier me.  I really think we all go through phases in life and with them comes different people from those you interact with daily to even those bagging your groceries. 

By being honest and confronting the persona we had created as a family we realized we were just not happy as could be in our old environment!  Just the sheer smile on our faces and change of weekly activities have reflected that.  I do believe that PPD and PTSD after birth played a major part of catapulting me into voicing my concerns with our lifestyle to hubby.  Go figure nothing like almost dying and almost losing your baby to wake you up.  Or even the response from those around you to both that and to me becoming a mother.

Our family so to speak has changed, our "go to's" have changed, our zip code has changed, where we shop has changed!  And now too how we live has changed.  Each day is a gift and the things we have are not important.  The car is not as important as it used to be (ok for me atleast hubby will always love cars :) ) and the purse I carry, ya no one could care less.  I feel like I can breathe deeper and smile bigger.

To some who were just born with that innate self-esteem I envy you but for me I am just reaching my peak of take us or leave us.  I am just now ok with knowing I am #5 on your list vs. fighting for #1.  I am ok reciprocating what others are giving out to me.  While a few years ago I was always striving to be everyone's best friend, best employee, best bargain hunter etc.

The space I am in actually that I think my family is in is the space we belong!  Last night I went out with a friend for a much needed and deserved girls night out.  Her husband mentioned that moms need to have fun too when she was concerned I would not accept her invitation.  In just that one little sentence of his he summed up I think what a lot of mothers face daily when they just want an hour to themselves or a night out with no cares in the world.  It DOES NOT make me a bad mother that I let my 18 month old son stay with his Dad for an evening.  Although I do know many who would disagree with that.

There is a place for everyone in this world I am definitely being reminded that in my town made up of the most eclectic mix.  I love that if you put two of my friends together you would be shocked they both mean just as much to me as the other.  That I talk to them both frequently yet they do things so differently.  That to me means I am doing it right I am loving people for who they are and not trying to force my beliefs or anything else on them.  Although I am sure some may not even get along I don't care cause it's not my place to make them!  But truthfully I know every single one of them could come to our house and BBQ and all would be well!

I can't believe that in such a small window we have sold our home moved out of the area and grown so much.  I am baffled that hubby wants a tractor and that he talks about his boots to people.  I smile that we find comfort and peace in the simplicity of our surroundings.  I think it was time to get out from the influence of other people so we could find our path and our life. 

We have done it and I can't wait to keep living it!

A HisTORI About My Best Friend

With all the ups and downs in life right now I thought I would just enjoy myself and talk about a friend of mine.  Ok really she is not a friend that knows she is a friend but she is totally my friend.

Anyone who knows me knows I can not remember lines in movies, song titles, book names or tag lines.  I don;t know tons of actors names and I am definitely very plain jane when it comes to my interest in any form of entertainment.  But there is one constant that has held up through all forms of media and one woman who has been my friend through life since we were introduced all those years ago.

I am sure you have the same type of friend.  One who has similarities but also differences.  One that makes you giggle, cry and cringe all at the same time.  Many of you may find it in a politician or world famous author or even world leader but me I found it in the mere little zip code of 90210.

Tori Spelling has been one of my best friends throughout life (no need to worry I do not stalk her and she does not know I exist).  I am not going to lie I wavered sometimes to Kelly (ya ya I am referring to their characters, of course I know they are real people) but always returned right back to Donna.

I tried to be like her in character and sometimes looks.  Although my Mom was so not ok with all the sun-in I doused my hair with to try and be blonde!  I copied the white high slouchy socks and found a love for hoop skirts! (only a true fan will understand that one)  Some how she made me feel that being different was ok, lonely yes, but ok. 

She gave me permission to get lost in her world for the years that my parents divorced and money was tight.  She had the boyfriend I would not find till 25.  To this day I can remember all her hair styles and how she even influenced me as a young adult.  I always envied that Donna could pull off red lipstick but I had a hunch it was Tori that loved it and now watching her reality show I see that she can and that she was very much true to her character.

After the 90210 phase I followed my friend to her many Lifetime movies. Oh she was scandalous but none the same she was still Tori.  Sometimes sweet sometimes awkward and just trying to make it. 

As her life filled with drama and rumors I totally faced my own. (No not because I am a billionaire and fighting with my family, don't be silly!)  But at some moments of relocation I found peace in re runs and the familiarity of the girl who had grown to be a role model. 

Throughout our relationship we have had highs and lows I mean TMZ.com did not exist and I was not able to keep up on her as I would have liked.  And I did not have the money to move to CA to force our friendship so I just patiently waited for it to run its course back to what it had always been all those years ago.

And here we are!  I get to visit with her weekly and read her diary's (so what if all of the world has access to them too).  I find such a common thread between her world and mine in her growth and climb up to money and a fancy house and then realizing that it is not what she wants but actually wants a smaller home and land and a lovely family life.

You know that when she is doing the commentary in her show well the secret is out that she is actually talking to me over a glass of wine or better yet margarita!  Some of my favorite times are those I spend in her closet helping her pack, or giggling at the bathroom door as she pees on the stick.  Her experience of  "poo in the puss" as she refers to it even makes me appreciate my little guy during blow outs.

Most recently she truly has helped me over the hump of following a dream and moving to a 2.5 acre property in a smaller town.  And of course her experiences with Liam, Stella and Hattie have given me the confidence that I can totally handle more kids.  (ok so I can try I do know she has help)  And I can totally buy a chicken and pig oh and a goat just because. 

Oh how I am so grateful for her friendship and honesty in my life.  Dean is a little more daring than Hubby but lets just say we are working on that.  I like knowing that her relationships are not perfect and that they do fight, they do bribe each other with sex and they do have brownie points.

I love being a mother and at home with B so her empire is not what I desire, ok that would be a lie!  I desire to have her childrens clothing in my sons closet, her nail polish on my nails, an antique from her store in my living room (and no it is totally not weird if I kiss it daily), her jewelry draping my wrists but I do not desire to run it.  (someone if you read this and know her tell her product tester right here!!!  really I would be biased though so maybe not the best idea) 

Ok enough bragging about my best friend because it is just not classy.  Seriously I can not be the only person in America that has a fond friendship with someone who does not know they exist,?!?! Oh crap or am I?

(you know I just wrote that last sentence so you all don't think I am crazy, right.  She totally is my best friend.)