What a Difference

I was cleaning up the house today and thought back over the last year of my life.  So much has happened and so much has changed.  I don't just mean physically but mentally as well.  I am not saying life is perfect but it perfectly imperfect right now.

I am a tell it like it is person and many I know can not stand it yet some how it is this very trait that has really helped me prosper in our little world.  I talk more than most, point out when relationships are and aren't working, announce my triumphs and whisper my failures.  While this has driven some away it has brought many closer.  I love interaction and I love a debate so over the last year if I was met with silence I would either let it roll off or just know that me and that individual are in different spaces.  And that includes hubby.

Through this honesty with myself and those around me I am a much happier much more content individual.  I took some time in the last year or so to evaluate my needs as a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a friend and even a believer!  The results are nothing short of a happier and healthier me.  I really think we all go through phases in life and with them comes different people from those you interact with daily to even those bagging your groceries. 

By being honest and confronting the persona we had created as a family we realized we were just not happy as could be in our old environment!  Just the sheer smile on our faces and change of weekly activities have reflected that.  I do believe that PPD and PTSD after birth played a major part of catapulting me into voicing my concerns with our lifestyle to hubby.  Go figure nothing like almost dying and almost losing your baby to wake you up.  Or even the response from those around you to both that and to me becoming a mother.

Our family so to speak has changed, our "go to's" have changed, our zip code has changed, where we shop has changed!  And now too how we live has changed.  Each day is a gift and the things we have are not important.  The car is not as important as it used to be (ok for me atleast hubby will always love cars :) ) and the purse I carry, ya no one could care less.  I feel like I can breathe deeper and smile bigger.

To some who were just born with that innate self-esteem I envy you but for me I am just reaching my peak of take us or leave us.  I am just now ok with knowing I am #5 on your list vs. fighting for #1.  I am ok reciprocating what others are giving out to me.  While a few years ago I was always striving to be everyone's best friend, best employee, best bargain hunter etc.

The space I am in actually that I think my family is in is the space we belong!  Last night I went out with a friend for a much needed and deserved girls night out.  Her husband mentioned that moms need to have fun too when she was concerned I would not accept her invitation.  In just that one little sentence of his he summed up I think what a lot of mothers face daily when they just want an hour to themselves or a night out with no cares in the world.  It DOES NOT make me a bad mother that I let my 18 month old son stay with his Dad for an evening.  Although I do know many who would disagree with that.

There is a place for everyone in this world I am definitely being reminded that in my town made up of the most eclectic mix.  I love that if you put two of my friends together you would be shocked they both mean just as much to me as the other.  That I talk to them both frequently yet they do things so differently.  That to me means I am doing it right I am loving people for who they are and not trying to force my beliefs or anything else on them.  Although I am sure some may not even get along I don't care cause it's not my place to make them!  But truthfully I know every single one of them could come to our house and BBQ and all would be well!

I can't believe that in such a small window we have sold our home moved out of the area and grown so much.  I am baffled that hubby wants a tractor and that he talks about his boots to people.  I smile that we find comfort and peace in the simplicity of our surroundings.  I think it was time to get out from the influence of other people so we could find our path and our life. 

We have done it and I can't wait to keep living it!

Dirt On His Face

While many moms pride themselves on the next outfit their child wears or have closets full of the next best trend for their newborn or toddler that is just not me.  I do have some favorites and I did over buy before B arrived but as far as actually dressing my son up well it didn't happen as much as I would like to admit.

Here in FL a onesie is fantastic for the summer days and somehow the same things keep ending up on the top of the stack thus I would find many unused outfits just sitting at the bottom of the drawer as I went to rotate his sizes. I loved picking up cute things and imagining what he would look like in them I even created a persona through all his Gymboree and cute outfits.

I tend to keep him clean and seemed to constantly worry about a spot on his face or dirty fingernail because holy cow no one could know he got dirty.  Well it was really cause none of the other kids seemed to be playing in the dirt and I refused to be the one who let my son do it.  (can you tell I have self esteem issues)

I would beat myself up about his dirty finger nails.  It seemed no matter how short or how groomed he was the dirt just gravitated there.  I would be embarrassed even around family that I was not doing a good job as a mother because his nails were dirty. 

Last week the house was still in disarray and I was tired and unshowered my hair was greasy but clothes were clean!  B was in daytime clothes, jeans and a tshirt I think it was but no shoes and socks because he refuses to leave them on.  Well we needed to go to the store so do you know what I did?  We went!

Yep we went to the store ungroomed and very reflective of what our week had consisted of.  B's face was dirty, curls in a tangle, a little bit of crusty hair to the side from some recent meal, dirt under his finger nails, and I am pretty sure a spot or two on his shirt.  And in my opinion I was worse off then him.

But as I walked into the store I was greeted with the same smiles and hellos that we had been greeted with on a clean day lets say!  B got just as much attention as he always does and no one cared that I had not showered in, well, I will not tell you how long.   I didn't feel any stares or judgment and I sure as heck was waiting for that glance of disgust or shrug of I can't believe she goes out like that much less lets her son!

This is new to me, to say the least.  Where I used to live I would get stares if B's shirt was not changed after a spilled lunch out.  Running to the store in sweats was unheard of unless they were a velour track suit.  And if you dared going out with greasy hair you could feel the stares and turning up noses as you stepped out of your car.

It was nice to feel no pressure and just be me and my son in all our moving glory!  And it was reflective of our life here and our afternoons in the dirt and days of enjoying life rather than worrying about others.  While to some it is no big deal to me it was a turning point in who I am as a person and as a Mom and where we are in our life.