It's Getting Busy

I feel like I have not sat down in months.  Really this is the first time I have opened my lap top in I don't know how long and that is not common for me at all.

Easter we went to see my Dad and family and that was weird.  I just don't know.   While he can not talk he does have communication devices but he chose not to use them with me.  Even when we informed him of new information to as simple as how was dinner. 

I enjoyed seeing my family but was reminded that put 3 sisters in the same house for the first time in a few years and there will be fighting.  I don't mean major fighting but your typical sibling arguments and disagreements.

This was truly the first time I was able to compare my parenting with my sisters.  I have seen her in the past but it was either while they are on vacation or while my son was so young that he didn't need much parenting.  We are very different and that is ok.  We found ourselves in an argument over it and our styles and expectations but I just walked away and came back later.  Although I think it affected the last 2 days of the trip I am proud I stuck up for myself.

I feel like we were go go go before the trip and now go go go after.  We have the calendar full of appts, baby showers, birthdays and on and on and on.  While I am tired and just dream of a day in my pajamas I am so grateful for what we have.

When we drove home from the airport last week I felt a peace I had not felt in months or even years.  I felt like we were back home.  Like our little town noticed we were gone and the silence of our street missed the screams and coos of a loud toddler.  I breathed a little deeper on that trip knowing that I was excited to be home excited to see our exit and excited just to get back to our new norm. 

Who new our quiet town also meant non stop friends and activity.  Don't get me wrong I am loving it but I totally think Saturday calls for pj's for at least 1/2 the day~

Reality Hits

As I sit here knowing my Mother will get on a plane tomorrow to head to the other side of the country to say good bye to her father I wonder if that will be me sooner than later.  I wonder how I grew up so fast that my grandfather will now be our angel.  And I wonder how I am the daughter of a man that will most likely not see 2013.

Some days are better than others with tears flowing and some days I know that we will have one heck of a team cheering us on in heaven but no matter what I am scared of how to deal with this all emotionally.  I guess I am just going to have to go with the flow and the moment.

I can smile about the fact that my grandma might move here but the lump in my throat grows as I know that means my grandfather passed.

He will probably not even make it through the week and it is just now hitting me that I will not be visiting their little Spanish bungalow in San Diego anymore.  The old kitchen will soon be occupied by another family and chances are another little girl will be standing on her tippy toes trying to see out the cool green beveled glass front door. 

California will become where I was born rather than where my grand parents live and the chances of my family hauling across the country to go there is slim.  Of course unless my sister does end up out there.  But even then she will travel to us most the time I am sure.

The screen porch that I used to clean off sea shells in will become someones place to sit and relax and that crazy blue and white bathroom out in the detached area will be changed I am sure of it.  There will be no more spying on Miguel next door the boy I have known since birth and the days of playing the organ will only be fond memories.  

How is it that my little boy is sleeping in his crib, I am almost 32 and am approaching my 6th wedding anniversary.  I feel like just yesterday I was on their living room floor playing with the nesting dolls and crocheted coasters anticipating the drive to Disneyland with the whole family.

I know my grandfather had a wonderful life and a hard one at that.  He was born in an era that I dream of and that I often get lost in.  He was a rancher and a cowboy and also worked on the steal carriers in the bay.  He is well known at the border by all the patrol as his family owned hundreds of acres that would later be taken by the state.  Oh how that land would have set us all for life he used to be angry but now I think just content on where we all are.

I don't know him without his hearing aids beeping or his uncanny ability to ignore my grandmother.  I only know the scruffy chin and wise ass remarks.  I know his warm lap and the smell of his after shave.  He was my favorite man for soooo long.  He was my "Big Grandpa".  He used to tell me I reminded him of his mother and for that I will forever live knowing I have big shoes to fill.

His health has deteriorated over the last years thus the man that we have known for the past 5 or so years is not the man that I have known my entire life.  Because of my memory bordering photographic I have chosen to visit minimally because I would rather hang on to the good times.  While many in the family think that is weird my Mom has totally supported this decision and continues to remind me we all grieve in different ways.

She asked me if there was anything I want from their house and 3 things popped into mind.  His desk, a stool in the kitchen and the rainbow crochet coasters.  It is funny how we all have memories in different things.  I love the stool as I sat in that so many dinners and game nights being I was the youngest.  That stool for me is their home it is my place in their home.

I continue to try and be strong for my mom and for myself but know that losing such an amazing man is going to hurt.  Losing a place that I have known for 32 years baffles me to the core.  But I will forever be grateful for the years I did get with him I know I am very blessed.

I think about him being in pain right now and can only pray that my mom gets to say her good byes and when its time for him to go I hope he will stop by kiss me and B on the head and leave a trail of his cologne as the gates of heaven open and they welcome one of the greatest men  I have ever known.

The Power of 3

Some people believe that death, tragedy, distruction or whatever happen in 3's.  I happen to fall into the category believer.  I don't know if it is true but I know that when I pay attention that they do happen in 3's the same can often be said for the good things though.

This year it is most likely inevitable I will lose my father, grandfather and step grandmother.  Busy year huh.   My grandfather probably wont see the summer time my father well who knows and my step grandmother she is another who knows.  It has me both sorrow filled as well as grateful that we will have some pretty fantastic angels up there watching over us. 

My mom mentioned that old saying of God does not give us more than we can handle and I do believe that but this roller coaster of in and out of hospitals, resuscitation and the overall unknown is tiresome.  We all thought my grandpa was gone and frankly he was but they brought him back.  After I am sure a short jaunt to check on all his kids and grand kids he went back to Calif. to try and make it to 100.  Well 97 is here and he is just tired and ready and we have all assured him  he can go. 

Hubby lives in his own little world through all this.  He tries to be supportive and caring but he is so focused on getting our car back that sometimes I actually think it is more of an excuse and outlet than facing what is truly in front of us.  But I guess it is pretty hard to face that we have so many relatives knocking on heavens gates and he just walked away from a wreck that under any different circumstances should have had him there as well or at minimum injured.

Facing death is never easy but it seems that since I became a mother it is almost easier now because I get that with birth comes death and birth is fricken fantastic.  I once heard the old souls must leave to make room for the new ones and in a way that makes sense and provides comfort when you have to say goodbye to someone who has live a long fruitful life.  (dont get me started on death of young people) 

As I wonder if each phone call is one to tell me someone passed away I still try to turn to my son and enjoy the moments we are in.  I try to teach him that death is not pretty but Mommy can see the silver lining of any cloud because I can only believe that all those I know will go to heaven.

There is a church down the road very very small and every week is a new message about heaven and how wonderful it is.  How to get in and what a party and good time they are having.  "Think life is good now just wait till you get to heaven"  helped me through a pretty dark day of wondering who was next. 

I don't wish this type of year on anyone but I am not gonna lie with this season of death and change I know will come growth and good fortune of some sort.

Oddly OK

So today is a weird day.  My hubby becomes or became a biological uncle.  While most people would be celebrating, heading to the hospital or waiting on the picture of the little one to be sent around we are not.  It is weird I guess I never thought about the dynamics of if a family did not get along. 

This battle has been a tough one. At first I pushed my hubby to try and have a relationship with his brother and that never seemed to work.  Then I decided I would make an effort and form one with him.  And just as that happened he met a girl who to me could not handle him having a friend in his sister in law. 

Since she entered the picture the family drama has increased and our interaction with them has decreased.  The relationship with all of us is non existent.  After months of ups and downs and slung words and back stabbing I must say I am actually kind of relieved we have moved on.

I am not going to lie I am curious about our niece and would love to say I am happy for them but it is just so clouded with their behavior.  And we know it is best that we not even attempt contact as they are bringing a new born home to hubbys grandparents who are in their 80's with health problems, can not even take care of themselves and need help from the family.  We are irate about this and so is the rest of the family but everyone is walking on egg shells with them as notice I said girlfriend not wife.  (enough said in their concerns of pissing her off and she leaving with the baby)

Hubby is doing really well with all of this.  I think what he misses most is that they do have a younger brother and that brother used to be very close with us but because we disagree with things he does and some of his behavior he has chose to lean to Kevin more than my hubby.  We get this as he is 19 and can only hope that he will one day want to be part of our lives again.

What made me realize there is little hope of reconciliation in the near future was when I asked did he want to send flowers or anything to them and he said No.  See recently  I had a friend give birth, she is someone I had a falling out with you could say.  I had known her a long time but hubby has known her family for 20+ years.  When she went into labor and we heard the news we immediately sent flowers.  We wanted them to know we were happy for them and they were in our prayers.  But when hubby said no to sending his brother something I realized we all choose where we want to put effort.

And right now we are not putting our effort towards them.  I think we are at the point of we wish them the best have a good one versus being angry and vile.  I like this space and I think that hubby does too.  I know many of you are shaking your head thinking blood is thicker than any thing else and family should be our priority but our immediate family is.  And our friends make up our family.  I think we finally get that.

We have faith in the path we are on and the trials and tribulations we face.  With that said we know that sometimes two people just don't see eye to eye or allow their significant others to run the show.  We also know that add in a mother that is biased and shows favoritism and  the mess gets a lot worse.

So cheers and good health to them.  But a pat on the back to us for realizing we are not in control of anyone but ourselves and we are happy where we are at with all of this.

#2?

Sometimes I picture us just being completely happy with just B and then at times I think he needs a sibling he needs a partner in crime, he needs someone to lean on.  I really seem to waver on this subject a lot.  Which in turn makes me think God is up there saying try all you want for #2 but you wont get it till you know.  Silly I know but it makes sense in my head.

I know we are not promised another baby but I would like to believe it happened before so it can happen again.  Each month that we say we are trying I find myself in that two week wait wondering if that craving or bout of nausea is a little booger growing.  But then Aunt Flow comes and well the devastation sticks around for a day or so. 

Hubby is having issues with his siblings right now and they are not the type that will go away over night in fact they are probably going to be here forever being the 3 of them are just very different people.  He thinks a lot of it has to do with their age thus he is really antsy for our kids to be closer in age rather than farther apart.  And frankly turning 32 this year has me thinking #2 should be sooner than later.

I am hoping that #2 is growing right now but only time will tell.  I can even be mimicked saying I want twins.  I know crazy right but I think knowing I once miscarried them I just have a place in my heart for them.  Pregnancy is a funny thing you want it want it want it and then it happens and scares the crap out of you.

I know the conversations would not even be on the table if we were not ready to expand our family.  I mean we have thrown around the idea for months but it was not until truly this last month we made an "effort" and even then it was not our best you could say.

I also hate the selfish feeling that goes along with trying to have a baby especially since two of my closest friends had issues having their children.  They both have such poise and adoration for their boys that I feel like if I am selfish and talk to them about it they may think I am pathetic to say the least.  And the funny thing is I talk to both of them almost daily but they don't even know we are "trying".  (they will now)

You know I just wrote out trying and it made me realize that its a weird term.  A term that I do not think fits us right now.  What we are is wanting to grow our family.  We are doing the necessary things to grow the family and have laid it at Gods feet and thanked him daily for our wonderful family and for knowing it will grow somehow some day.  So I don't think I should refer to it as trying but rather trusting.

I have had miscarriages in the past and B was a total emergency that almost made us lose not only him but myself so needless to say I am also scared to death.  But next time around (hows that for positive thinking) I think I will tell people whenever I want, I will rejoice in knowing what will be will be and that God will only give us what we can handle. I don't want to be scared of the what if's or the superstitions that if I announce it early it will fail.  And I surely do not want to be embarrassed if something happens.

Still Makes Me Smile

Ok so I know I have said over and over I love this town but really I love this place!!  Yesterday I had to go do some paperwork for the sale of our old house and I stopped by to see some of hubby's family.  Let's just say they are some of, ok A LOT, of why we left the area.  It did not go so well.

Some how through the stress of selling our house, a sick father and the drama of his family my voice came back.  For years I have been respectful and reserved and smiley and all nods with them but I just had it.  I was polite but I did voice my opinion and how their actions and words have affected us and OMG I felt so good. 

My own Mom said that was a big NO NO as she tried not to giggle but I was granted a pass as she put it as we have so much going on.  Oh that pass was worth it only I informed her it was not a pass.  It was me!  It was the loud opinionated girl my husband fell in love with.  I was not loud nor rude I was just honest. 

And you know what?  After I was done I got in the car and hauled it back to our town! Our lovely little town.  The town that we will raise our family in and that makes me smile daily.  Oh that drive is usually long and redundant but yesterday it was a breath of fresh air! 

I know that we should not boast about moving away from family but honestly sometimes if you are not blessed with the nicest or most civil of bunch than a little distance does a girl good.

I also stopped at the house we are selling yesterday and the only pause I had was in B's room.  It was crazy to see such an anticipated room empty and stark but the rest of it just seemed so foreign to me.  It was still pretty but it was not home.  It was no longer where I wanted to lay my head and raise my family and that felt so good.

Today through the overcast and occasional rain I still find myself smiling about where we are at and how blessed we are.  I finally have neighbors stopping by with treats and telling us what is happening this weekend and where the local hidden beach is! 

So what if the average age here is 70 when no matter what tries to get me down I am still smiling that we have found our home!

Facing Life

So my Dad is in ICU right now and it is just all so overwhelming.  We have never been close and we are worlds away not only physically but mentally.  I have had some major life experiences such as getting married, having my son, buying a home etc.  but he has really been a part of none of them yet some how I just take it as it is. 

Obviously it was not always like that.  And what I mean is I did not always accept it, frankly, I was pretty pissed.  Now it just seems that for whatever reason he and I just do not see eye to eye.  He gets along with my sisters pretty well and one of them is there with him now.  So whether or not he has played a huge role in my life or not he has in theirs. 

I often wonder if sometimes my grief of his illnesses and knowing the outcome is grim whether it be today or in a few years is actually for my sisters.  I will not know any different life unfortunately when he passes as we don't talk a ton and he just lives his life and I live mine.  I wonder how all of this affects my parenting etc. 

I guess I am pretty much just rambling on but I think that it is all in all good for me at this point.  I mean here we are on Valentines Day and I am facing the loss of my father.  I think it was about 13 years ago to date his mother passed away which I find totally creepy.  But at the same time I find it kind of humbling that maybe God sent her to bring him home.

My poor sister who is there with him claims to be such a rock.  But I know this is not fun for her we all actually think she bit off way more than she can chew.  But the situation is here and now and we have to face every aspect of it. 

I have been asked by many if I have forgiven my Dad for the issues he caused and if I talked to him about it but the honest answer is no.  I do not believe he sees anything wrong with his behavior toward me and thus we will just be like we are.  He is my Dad and for that I am grateful and I am grateful he got to meet and enjoy B even if it was for a short time.

I think all in all he is who he is and that is ok.  He needs to make peace and I believe he will with himself, his choices, his family and so on.  I pray daily he does not suffer and that he knows that whether I agree with his choices on parenting I do think he did the best he could for whatever demons he faced in other aspects of his life. 

I am also grateful my sisters see him as a different man than I do.  I think that it makes it easier on me to know that he was there for 2 out of the 3!  Sad I know but it works in my head. 

Ok I should stop rambling on and on now as I am not even sure these words will be heard but for me they make me feel better.  It's like if I record it he will some how know that I am ok with the way things turned out.  My life is good and I hope if worse comes to worse he will at least be an angel to my son...

Dirt On His Face

While many moms pride themselves on the next outfit their child wears or have closets full of the next best trend for their newborn or toddler that is just not me.  I do have some favorites and I did over buy before B arrived but as far as actually dressing my son up well it didn't happen as much as I would like to admit.

Here in FL a onesie is fantastic for the summer days and somehow the same things keep ending up on the top of the stack thus I would find many unused outfits just sitting at the bottom of the drawer as I went to rotate his sizes. I loved picking up cute things and imagining what he would look like in them I even created a persona through all his Gymboree and cute outfits.

I tend to keep him clean and seemed to constantly worry about a spot on his face or dirty fingernail because holy cow no one could know he got dirty.  Well it was really cause none of the other kids seemed to be playing in the dirt and I refused to be the one who let my son do it.  (can you tell I have self esteem issues)

I would beat myself up about his dirty finger nails.  It seemed no matter how short or how groomed he was the dirt just gravitated there.  I would be embarrassed even around family that I was not doing a good job as a mother because his nails were dirty. 

Last week the house was still in disarray and I was tired and unshowered my hair was greasy but clothes were clean!  B was in daytime clothes, jeans and a tshirt I think it was but no shoes and socks because he refuses to leave them on.  Well we needed to go to the store so do you know what I did?  We went!

Yep we went to the store ungroomed and very reflective of what our week had consisted of.  B's face was dirty, curls in a tangle, a little bit of crusty hair to the side from some recent meal, dirt under his finger nails, and I am pretty sure a spot or two on his shirt.  And in my opinion I was worse off then him.

But as I walked into the store I was greeted with the same smiles and hellos that we had been greeted with on a clean day lets say!  B got just as much attention as he always does and no one cared that I had not showered in, well, I will not tell you how long.   I didn't feel any stares or judgment and I sure as heck was waiting for that glance of disgust or shrug of I can't believe she goes out like that much less lets her son!

This is new to me, to say the least.  Where I used to live I would get stares if B's shirt was not changed after a spilled lunch out.  Running to the store in sweats was unheard of unless they were a velour track suit.  And if you dared going out with greasy hair you could feel the stares and turning up noses as you stepped out of your car.

It was nice to feel no pressure and just be me and my son in all our moving glory!  And it was reflective of our life here and our afternoons in the dirt and days of enjoying life rather than worrying about others.  While to some it is no big deal to me it was a turning point in who I am as a person and as a Mom and where we are in our life.

Finally Here

We have been at our new house a week and a half and so far so good.  While the move went smoothly the emotions have been up and down.  It is always hard to get used to a new space and town and throw in changing routines and hubbys promotion and it all just seems to blend together. 

I am so over cleaning and organizing but truth be told we still have two rooms to finish.  In the moments I want to pull my hair out I have found solace in the quietness and serenity that this house brought with it.  I now look forward to sitting down at the computer not just using the laptop as it sits in front of a window that I get to open and just breathe it all in.  The challenges have been in the yard as well as the differences between the homes. 

We have painted and cleaned and painted and cleaned just to make sure that we truly feel at home here while the days are long it was worth it on our first weekend here.  We got to go to a local festival and become part of the community.  It was a well needed reminder on why we wanted to move here in the first place. 

It is funny I keep getting told that this is no longer a small town but let me tell you compared to the suburbs of Orlando I would say we are in BFE.   One of my favorite things is the attention B gets.  We can not go anywhere without a smile or hello and that makes me feel like B will know a kinder type of humanity than the hustle and bustle that cities are well known for. 

The acreage is slightly intimidating but without a doubt has been wonderful.  We do not go a single day without heading outside and grunging it up.  I am not sure I will ever know true cleanliness again but I have enjoyed every minute of it.  B loves not having us right behind him as he runs and plays and climbs.  His face has said it all over the last week.  The smiles are plentiful and there is a contentment I have never known in him. 

We are still working through the bumps and I want to record more specifics for our memories later but for now I have to go get a little more done so we can just finally enjoy the day to day in our new home!

So Scared

Two nights from now I will be back in bed in this house after spending the day in the new house we are moving to and I am scared to death.  Excited but scared to death.  I know I sound like a big fat baby but I never claimed to do well with change.  I have always been a runner I am good at it, what I mean, I do not dump you I just stop taking your calls, I do not quit I just don't show up, see what I mean I do not like to plan out big things.  My day yes, but big things, no.

The house we are in now is wonderful it is bigger than we need, has custom cabinets, granite counter tops, custom baths, a pool, is in the suburbs and so on but we are leaving it.  And for a home that is much different.  We are trading in the pool for 2.5 acres, switching up the floor plan, losing some of the upgrades and even saying goodbye to the suburbs.  While I am thrilled and it is a dream I am scared to death.


We did not make this decision lightly but still I wonder do we really know what we are in for.  I do, I guess, I grew up in a small town and I know it is going to be hard at first but once you are in you are in so to speak.  I wonder will I miss the pool we never used.  Or will I miss the custom tile as I am in the bathroom of the new house.  I think it is fair to expect that at times I will miss this home but the one we are moving to is just the one that is meant for us right now.


Luckily we are able to rent before we purchase the owners are even open to allowing us to rent for a few years to make sure we like the area and the home etc.  What I love most is this has been a team effort.  With this home I saw it picked it and called hubby to come see it.  He said he liked and bam we were under contract.  See being in Real Estate I am sure I saw all the inventory before I even knew we were house shopping.  This home may have us and have a little paint but none of it was done by us.  This is what is so appealing about the new house.


The new house has just enough updating to make it updated but not so much that we can't get what we want when we are ready to purchase.  I would be able to get my dream kitchen and hubby his media room and so much more.  We can get animals or even put in a pool that is in our taste and we are just so tickled about it.  I truly am thrilled to hear hubby talk about it and shop for a riding lawn mower he is more excited than I ever anticipated.

For someone who grew up with a single mom renting small homes in a mountain town in Colorado calling many laundry rooms her bedroom, yep, I said laundry rooms!  I find it quite silly that I would be wondering will I miss my granite counter tops or my stainless steel appliances!  Oh how I know we are so blessed to have a home and a roof over our head.  I am also so blessed that we are listening to the Lord and our intuition on this one and know that it is by far the best decision for so many reasons.

Doesn't make it any less scary though!

Our First Family Christmas

This holiday season we decided to change it up.  With listing the house and having so much going on in real life so to speak we celebrated more by recognizing the Word and guidance of the Lord than anything else.  We only got a 2.5 foot tree and had minimal decorations just so we didn't have to pack up a ton or offend any potential buyers.  While it was weird to not get out all the lights and decor it still turned out to be a wonderful time of celebrating. 

Hubby has been off work since the 23rd so family time has been plentiful.  B seems to really be enjoying his time with Mommy and Daddy.  We decided to do the Christmas celebrations separate this year.  On Friday we went to Hubs Aunts house and made cookies that his Great Grandmother made.  It was fun and low key.  We also did a gift exchange.  I had so much fun picking out their gifts that I was excited and hopeful they would love everything and sure enough they did.  I got spoiled this year from them.  They said it was for the both of us but really it was for me.  I ended up with a Keurig which is something I have wanted for years.  Our Aunt also spoiled me with anything I had mentioned liking in the last few months.  It has been years since opening presents like that and while I don't need it alot it was fun.

On Christmas Eve we went to my parents house.  That is always fun.  The night consists of my family, my sister and her husband and Mom and Step Dad.  We didn't do huge gifts this year as we are moving and so is my sister so my Mom just made sure we were set with a New Years gift pack and moolah.  B on the other hand was in heaven with an anamatronic rocking horse!  The sucker neighs and trots and wags it's tail and even shakes its head.  He will only ride it a little bit but I do believe they are already fast friends.  Of course dinner was amazing and everyone pigged out.  I even got to be entertained by my sister who had a little too much wine.  It has been years since I saw her like that truly brought me back!!

On Christmas morning we opened a few presents for B and then took our time getting ready to head out for dinner at Le Cellier and Candlelight Processional in Epcot.  We decided that this year was the year we did what we wanted to and were not going to worry about pleasing others.  It was well worth it once we finally got into dinner.  The meal was divine and lived up to it's reputation.  Of course the Processional was lovely and something that must be experienced for any Disney lover.  Between the Christmas Story being read by Blaire Underwood and the amazing symphony and singers I was a blubbering mess.  B loved the parts he was awake for and we just enjoyed some very special family time.

The weekend was rounded off on Monday with a quick lunch celebration with Hubs parents and grandparents.  We see them more often so it was a little shorter.  And much of the same drama as always we were happy to just enjoy a short afternoon focused on B and his new toys.

The house was not decorated, the tree not as big as usual, the presents were not as plentiful from me and Hubby but it was by far one of my favorite Christmas's I can think of.  While we did not end up at Church as we did the processional instead it was a holiday truly filled with the Lord and the Lord's voice, presence and celebration.  We had just enough family to remind us we are blessed but not so much that you are pulling your hair out.  It really felt like our first family Christmas!

I can honestly say I will always look back at the holiday season of 2011 with a smile and love but I am really looking forward to the Christmas's to come in our new town, with our new community, church and traditions!!!

A Lost Week

I feel like I have lost an entire week and frankly I probably have!  An entire week I will never get back I will never get to know what would have come of that week and what glorious things could have been accomplished as I was too busy trying to take care of a 1 year old and my sick man child.

Don't get me wrong I am not trying to bash my husband or complain about him but this whole man getting sick thing just makes your life stand still.  It was a cold not the flu or strep but a cold.  The first day when he said he had a cough you would have thought the world was coming to an end.  He literally had me in stitches as he proceeded to tell me that it was not just a cough but a sore throat.  I mentally noted the day the cold started and thank goodness had recently read somewhere that a cold takes 7 days and there is not much you can do for it other than let it run its course so needless to say at day 2 I was already reaching for day 7.

I would ask him to go get the baby or do something with B and he kept saying but I have a cold or I can't give him the germs.  And of course like most people I followed it with but when I was sick.... I did let him get extra rest and made him food but beyond that I was just not too patient.  There was nights I felt like a bad wife as I giggled when he thought he was dying because finally it was draining and he went through a box of tissues.  But that quickly went away when I remembered the one time I had been knock down drag out sick for a day and I still found myself changing a poopy diaper that night.

For the most part he is much better at babying me when I don't feel good I will give him that but holy cow they are not kidding when they say that men take sickness like a baby.  I am so glad he did not remember the segment on The Today Show that talked about men taking it harder because of hormones or something.  I mean me vs. The Today show, I so would have lost that debate!  Instead he just complained and embellished his I am so sick voice when he answered the phone and I took care of B hoping that somehow even though he is male that he will not inherit this "I am dying" drama when he has the common cold.

Now we are rounding the end of the seven day invader of our lives I realize that I too can no longer blame the cold!  Shhhh I think I was doing it too.  I mean we had so many plans over this past weekend and only 1 thing got done.  Our days did not start till 1-2pm and I really didn't care.  B did not bathe all weekend and his meals should have been a little more round but I pretended in my head that I had to take care of hubby to excuse this.  The groceries were grabbed quickly and only the necessities at that.  I think we all needed the break and his cold was a perfect excuse although I will never admit it to him. 

The sheets have been washed, house sanitized and me relieved that the cold is almost gone as I only feel like taking care of one baby with all we have going on right now.  Go figure after all my not babying him I wasn't feeling good this morning and I was met with much more compassion than I showed him.  I felt bad again till my stuffiness was met with yet another dirty diaper and then a do you need anything to feel better?

Ahh the life of being a Mom!

Siblings

This week my sister got a great promotion with such promotion it means she is probably headed to the opposite coast this Spring.  While I am happy for her I found myself choked up and teary that she will be leaving.  It is not that I see her all the time and that we are sooo close but frankly the idea of her being just a drive away was always comforting.  Now she will be 3 hours behind and one heck of a plane ride with a one year old.  It is weird to think that she is going back to where she sees as home just as I am finding home here in FL. We were all born in California but to me I never thought of it as home it was just where Grandma and Grandpa lived and at one point my Dad. 

My Mom mentioned the other day that this may be the last Christmas we can all get together as we are all really following our dreams and hearts right now and fulfilling dreams. My other sister had intended on coming in for Christmas but in the last minute they have decided to stay home and have a family Christmas with their kids and make special memories of their own.  I totally get this but have to admit that for the first time in a while I am reminded that I am an adult and we all have our own families and wants and needs. 

I look back on our holiday traditions with a happy heart.  There were days of John Denver and the muppets singing carols, nights of performing the night before Christmas, giggles of glee waiting to attend midnight mass and of course new jammies on Christmas Eve.  While the traditions grew and changed over the years with age, divorce, and life we still seemed to have little things that drew us together. 

Tonight while cuddling B before bed he fell asleep on me for the first time in a long time and I just laid there and breathed him in.  When I was first pregnant with him I only wanted one child but over the past few months my mind and heart have changed and tonight I was reminded of how much I wanted him to have siblings.  I thought about the giggles over waiting for Santa and the smiles as him and a sibling shook their presents under the tree.  I let my mind wander to the days of him and a sibling putting on a holiday show for the family or the race to see who gets to the tree first.  The moments of getting dressed up to go to Christmas service just seem like they would be more complete with more than just B.

While I knew my sister dreamed of heading back to the west coast I am not sure I ever thought it would happen.  But that is the funny thing about dreams they are goals some attainable and some not.  I realized that mine are changing just as hers are. 

So here I am most likely saying goodbye to my sibling accept for the occasional visit while I am praying that we can give B a sibling to grow up with~full circle.

There is No Place Like Home...Finally

For so long I want FL to feel like home and it just didn't.  Don't get me wrong I know home is where your heart is blah blah blah but my while my heart loved my family I just never felt content here.  I tried many times to find it in family, friends, church, work and then my son but something was just off.  It is like I could be 99% happy but that 1% would just haunt me.

I knew I was responsible for my moods or reactions to situations both with my husband and everyone else yet somehow it was always everyone's fault that I was not all smiles all the time.  Realistically I know you can not always be happy but being miserable more times than not needed to change.  Thus I took control of my life, well all the things I could that is.

Friends were evaluated, where I spent my time was more closely monitored and I allowed myself to say yes to what I really wanted to and no to those activities and things I did not want to take part in.  I finally stood up for my beliefs and did not shy away when challenged with someone's ideals or opinions.

And now here I sit happy with what is going on in my life.  Happy that while I know I am not in all over control I am in control of many aspects in my life.  It is funny that when I started speaking up and sticking up for my family and our beliefs some people left and well others are still trying to figure out what it means for the future of our relationships.  My family has become my priority and our needs and wants come before friends and in-laws and I could not be more excited for what this means in our future.

It took my husbands holiday work party for me to figure out that my life had changed just by acknowledging my moods, my wants and my needs.  I dreaded going to the party.  Last year it just was not fun and I felt out of place.  Not to mention fat and bloated with a 3 month at home.

But this year I had confidence like no other.  I felt pretty, I was interested in the people and what they had to say.  I laughed and ate and I was merry!  And heck I did not even have a cocktail.  I felt so at home with the people, there was no fake smiles or polite laughter there was just me.  Well and of course hubby!  And at the end of the night there was even B when I brought him down at the end of the night.

We drove home that night so we could let B sleep in his own bed and I felt light and happy to be here, to be in FL.  I thought it may be short lived until Sunday I found myself telling hubs that I was happy to be here that I felt like I finally had genuine friends, relationships that I wanted with family and a home.  That's right I finally feel like I have a home!

Yep I am still moving to my small town but the house wont matter because I am finally home.

Tired

This week has been insane to say the least.  We have so much going on between listing and cleaning and hubs work and my work oh and let us not forget that little monkey running around here.  Don't get me wrong I know how blessed we are but my goodness can I negotiate one morning to sleep in. 

I mean B could just get himself up.  I will gladly leave out something for him to munch on and even a sippy cup of water and he can just fend for himself?!?! I know I have a husband that should in theory give me a morning off but, well, ummmm, ya that is just not gonna happen right now.  And being that he just got a promotion like 2 days ago he kind of can play that card this weekend!  Lets be real though if he even tried I would hear them and worry or feel like I am missing out and get up.

Today was so jam packed I am not sure how I am staring at this screen it is not even over yet I am just waiting for B to fall deep asleep so I can finish what I need to around the house.  I am that mom who used to be able to allow her son to cry it out but tonight with how tired I am I would give in in lets estimate 2 minutes so I am hiding out in my bedroom till it is safe. 

The house is probably as clean if not cleaner than when I was nesting waiting for B.  I look around and love it but know that it is not going to be ours soon.  My Mom teased that our living room and dining room will sell this house and she just may be right.  I stood in the foyer staring at them the other night and just thought wow this looks great it will sell the house.  Fingers crossed it and the rest of the rooms sell it I mean we are in the land of you should not list your house aka Florida! 

Tomorrow will be so bitter sweet the home we brought our son home to will be listed.  I am so excited yet scared for what all this means!  I heard today that it is usually a good thing when you have to push and challenge yourself to do something because usually it means you are growing and following a dream and I have decided that is us right now.  Our realtor has every confidence we will sell and with my knowledge and career I agree just by looking at our immediate market.  There is moments that I wonder will I be sadder if it does sell quickly or if it doesn't!

You know while cleaning and working and running errands today I was so consumed with thoughts of what if's that I do not even think I took more than 5 minutes to enjoy my family.  That is not good I need to just let go and let God and have faith there is a reason we are being pulled to our new little town and home! 

It's days like today and weeks like this week that remind me that life is full of ups and downs, sweet and sour but no matter what we will get through we just may be a little tired at times and don't even get me started on what we might look like when all is said and done! Thank goodness my boys love me unconditionally!

Feeling The Holidays

Because we are trying to sell our home we have limited decorations to outside and a tree only.  Besides not wanting the home to feel cluttered we just do not want to have to pack it all back up when we make the move which is actually sooner than later.  While the outside lights click on each night at dusk the corner for the tree has not yet been filled with greenery, ribbon and glowing lights.  Yet some how this Christmas feels bigger, brighter and more giving than any I can remember. 

When I take a moment and look around at all that we have and all that we can share I know that we are blessed.  I know that this is what this season is all about.  B is only 1 and does not know that the house should be adorned in greenery, bows and knick knacks.  All he knows is that his Mom and Dad are happier and more at peace than he has ever known in his short little life.  I figure that is good enough for holiday cheer, right?

We are not doing presents for each other and have limited B's to two items he needs and a few smaller ones from us and have asked people to pair up and buy larger items as he really is not into toys if they insist on buying something.  While it is technically his first Christmas he is old enough to kind of understand we just want to teach him the true meaning of this holiday season.  Of course the religious aspect is a given. 

While all this a detour from the usual Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party and decorations throughout the home I am still enjoying and soaking in every minute of this years holiday festivities.  And I must admit that I am not missing having to chase B around and pull him down from any bow or bell he can reach or for that matter can't because lets be honest the kid is half monkey!

Besides the notable differences inside the house I have noticed that this year I am all about giving.  It is not that I do not give throughout the year but I think because of the economy I am wanting to do more.  I am realizing that while I was worried I might be giving up a pool to move I am actually blessed to have a home much less a stinken pool!  I joined a group of women bloggers who are planning on giving back all year long, I have gone through all closets and drawers and the donation pile is stacking up.  I am just feeling it is time that I realize that I have so much that I do not need and use. 

I have been in Fl for 7 years and always found myself complaining that it did not feel like Christmas because the trees were still green and there was no snow flurry to be found but I think most of all what I am realizing this year is that I just was not looking hard enough for the sights and sounds of what the holidays now mean to me as a wife and mom!

I Thought I Knew But Now I Really Know

As I reached up put my foot in the stirrup and threw my right leg over the saddle I had a rush of familiarity.  I knew that I had felt something was missing for years and in that moment on the horse I just knew we were making the right decision.

Two years ago we bought a home that I imagined I would be raising my family in but even when we signed the papers I just was not sure.  Don't get me wrong I loved the home and the finishes etc.  but I did not have the butterflies or rush that most first time buyers or really any buyers talked about.  I figured it was just emotions and feeling overwhelmed so I signed and moved in.  But after having B and really talking it out with hubby we are in agreement it is time to go.


I grew up in a small town and no matter how much I hated it as a teenager I have missed it since I left.  I have searched state by state looking for a small town with small schools and even those infamous nosy people that the towns are known for.  I had a list of towns near my husbands branches of his company but he just never seemed on board.  Well that was until I found a small town just up the turnpike from where we are now.


It is that town that you drive through and almost miss or that you stop for lunch in and think I could live here.  We are going from your stereotypical FL home with a pool and palm trees to a 2.5 acre property with trees and backing a National Forest.  As of right now I would say we are 98% in, the other 2% is filled with fear and emotions and questions of is this right.  But at this moment we are moving toward the ultimate goal.  


I rode Snow the horse around for less than 20 minutes that afternoon as I was nervous that I was loving it too much.  Hubby and B watched from the fence line.  As I could hear B's screams in the distance I took a few deep breaths knowing that we are in this as a family and that no matter how scary this all gets we are a team.  I made my way through the trees guiding her back to her next rider all while keeping my eyes my family.  I knew in that moment that for the first time in a long time all felt right with my world.