#2?

Sometimes I picture us just being completely happy with just B and then at times I think he needs a sibling he needs a partner in crime, he needs someone to lean on.  I really seem to waver on this subject a lot.  Which in turn makes me think God is up there saying try all you want for #2 but you wont get it till you know.  Silly I know but it makes sense in my head.

I know we are not promised another baby but I would like to believe it happened before so it can happen again.  Each month that we say we are trying I find myself in that two week wait wondering if that craving or bout of nausea is a little booger growing.  But then Aunt Flow comes and well the devastation sticks around for a day or so. 

Hubby is having issues with his siblings right now and they are not the type that will go away over night in fact they are probably going to be here forever being the 3 of them are just very different people.  He thinks a lot of it has to do with their age thus he is really antsy for our kids to be closer in age rather than farther apart.  And frankly turning 32 this year has me thinking #2 should be sooner than later.

I am hoping that #2 is growing right now but only time will tell.  I can even be mimicked saying I want twins.  I know crazy right but I think knowing I once miscarried them I just have a place in my heart for them.  Pregnancy is a funny thing you want it want it want it and then it happens and scares the crap out of you.

I know the conversations would not even be on the table if we were not ready to expand our family.  I mean we have thrown around the idea for months but it was not until truly this last month we made an "effort" and even then it was not our best you could say.

I also hate the selfish feeling that goes along with trying to have a baby especially since two of my closest friends had issues having their children.  They both have such poise and adoration for their boys that I feel like if I am selfish and talk to them about it they may think I am pathetic to say the least.  And the funny thing is I talk to both of them almost daily but they don't even know we are "trying".  (they will now)

You know I just wrote out trying and it made me realize that its a weird term.  A term that I do not think fits us right now.  What we are is wanting to grow our family.  We are doing the necessary things to grow the family and have laid it at Gods feet and thanked him daily for our wonderful family and for knowing it will grow somehow some day.  So I don't think I should refer to it as trying but rather trusting.

I have had miscarriages in the past and B was a total emergency that almost made us lose not only him but myself so needless to say I am also scared to death.  But next time around (hows that for positive thinking) I think I will tell people whenever I want, I will rejoice in knowing what will be will be and that God will only give us what we can handle. I don't want to be scared of the what if's or the superstitions that if I announce it early it will fail.  And I surely do not want to be embarrassed if something happens.

Siblings

This week my sister got a great promotion with such promotion it means she is probably headed to the opposite coast this Spring.  While I am happy for her I found myself choked up and teary that she will be leaving.  It is not that I see her all the time and that we are sooo close but frankly the idea of her being just a drive away was always comforting.  Now she will be 3 hours behind and one heck of a plane ride with a one year old.  It is weird to think that she is going back to where she sees as home just as I am finding home here in FL. We were all born in California but to me I never thought of it as home it was just where Grandma and Grandpa lived and at one point my Dad. 

My Mom mentioned the other day that this may be the last Christmas we can all get together as we are all really following our dreams and hearts right now and fulfilling dreams. My other sister had intended on coming in for Christmas but in the last minute they have decided to stay home and have a family Christmas with their kids and make special memories of their own.  I totally get this but have to admit that for the first time in a while I am reminded that I am an adult and we all have our own families and wants and needs. 

I look back on our holiday traditions with a happy heart.  There were days of John Denver and the muppets singing carols, nights of performing the night before Christmas, giggles of glee waiting to attend midnight mass and of course new jammies on Christmas Eve.  While the traditions grew and changed over the years with age, divorce, and life we still seemed to have little things that drew us together. 

Tonight while cuddling B before bed he fell asleep on me for the first time in a long time and I just laid there and breathed him in.  When I was first pregnant with him I only wanted one child but over the past few months my mind and heart have changed and tonight I was reminded of how much I wanted him to have siblings.  I thought about the giggles over waiting for Santa and the smiles as him and a sibling shook their presents under the tree.  I let my mind wander to the days of him and a sibling putting on a holiday show for the family or the race to see who gets to the tree first.  The moments of getting dressed up to go to Christmas service just seem like they would be more complete with more than just B.

While I knew my sister dreamed of heading back to the west coast I am not sure I ever thought it would happen.  But that is the funny thing about dreams they are goals some attainable and some not.  I realized that mine are changing just as hers are. 

So here I am most likely saying goodbye to my sibling accept for the occasional visit while I am praying that we can give B a sibling to grow up with~full circle.