Reality Hits

As I sit here knowing my Mother will get on a plane tomorrow to head to the other side of the country to say good bye to her father I wonder if that will be me sooner than later.  I wonder how I grew up so fast that my grandfather will now be our angel.  And I wonder how I am the daughter of a man that will most likely not see 2013.

Some days are better than others with tears flowing and some days I know that we will have one heck of a team cheering us on in heaven but no matter what I am scared of how to deal with this all emotionally.  I guess I am just going to have to go with the flow and the moment.

I can smile about the fact that my grandma might move here but the lump in my throat grows as I know that means my grandfather passed.

He will probably not even make it through the week and it is just now hitting me that I will not be visiting their little Spanish bungalow in San Diego anymore.  The old kitchen will soon be occupied by another family and chances are another little girl will be standing on her tippy toes trying to see out the cool green beveled glass front door. 

California will become where I was born rather than where my grand parents live and the chances of my family hauling across the country to go there is slim.  Of course unless my sister does end up out there.  But even then she will travel to us most the time I am sure.

The screen porch that I used to clean off sea shells in will become someones place to sit and relax and that crazy blue and white bathroom out in the detached area will be changed I am sure of it.  There will be no more spying on Miguel next door the boy I have known since birth and the days of playing the organ will only be fond memories.  

How is it that my little boy is sleeping in his crib, I am almost 32 and am approaching my 6th wedding anniversary.  I feel like just yesterday I was on their living room floor playing with the nesting dolls and crocheted coasters anticipating the drive to Disneyland with the whole family.

I know my grandfather had a wonderful life and a hard one at that.  He was born in an era that I dream of and that I often get lost in.  He was a rancher and a cowboy and also worked on the steal carriers in the bay.  He is well known at the border by all the patrol as his family owned hundreds of acres that would later be taken by the state.  Oh how that land would have set us all for life he used to be angry but now I think just content on where we all are.

I don't know him without his hearing aids beeping or his uncanny ability to ignore my grandmother.  I only know the scruffy chin and wise ass remarks.  I know his warm lap and the smell of his after shave.  He was my favorite man for soooo long.  He was my "Big Grandpa".  He used to tell me I reminded him of his mother and for that I will forever live knowing I have big shoes to fill.

His health has deteriorated over the last years thus the man that we have known for the past 5 or so years is not the man that I have known my entire life.  Because of my memory bordering photographic I have chosen to visit minimally because I would rather hang on to the good times.  While many in the family think that is weird my Mom has totally supported this decision and continues to remind me we all grieve in different ways.

She asked me if there was anything I want from their house and 3 things popped into mind.  His desk, a stool in the kitchen and the rainbow crochet coasters.  It is funny how we all have memories in different things.  I love the stool as I sat in that so many dinners and game nights being I was the youngest.  That stool for me is their home it is my place in their home.

I continue to try and be strong for my mom and for myself but know that losing such an amazing man is going to hurt.  Losing a place that I have known for 32 years baffles me to the core.  But I will forever be grateful for the years I did get with him I know I am very blessed.

I think about him being in pain right now and can only pray that my mom gets to say her good byes and when its time for him to go I hope he will stop by kiss me and B on the head and leave a trail of his cologne as the gates of heaven open and they welcome one of the greatest men  I have ever known.