Facing Life

So my Dad is in ICU right now and it is just all so overwhelming.  We have never been close and we are worlds away not only physically but mentally.  I have had some major life experiences such as getting married, having my son, buying a home etc.  but he has really been a part of none of them yet some how I just take it as it is. 

Obviously it was not always like that.  And what I mean is I did not always accept it, frankly, I was pretty pissed.  Now it just seems that for whatever reason he and I just do not see eye to eye.  He gets along with my sisters pretty well and one of them is there with him now.  So whether or not he has played a huge role in my life or not he has in theirs. 

I often wonder if sometimes my grief of his illnesses and knowing the outcome is grim whether it be today or in a few years is actually for my sisters.  I will not know any different life unfortunately when he passes as we don't talk a ton and he just lives his life and I live mine.  I wonder how all of this affects my parenting etc. 

I guess I am pretty much just rambling on but I think that it is all in all good for me at this point.  I mean here we are on Valentines Day and I am facing the loss of my father.  I think it was about 13 years ago to date his mother passed away which I find totally creepy.  But at the same time I find it kind of humbling that maybe God sent her to bring him home.

My poor sister who is there with him claims to be such a rock.  But I know this is not fun for her we all actually think she bit off way more than she can chew.  But the situation is here and now and we have to face every aspect of it. 

I have been asked by many if I have forgiven my Dad for the issues he caused and if I talked to him about it but the honest answer is no.  I do not believe he sees anything wrong with his behavior toward me and thus we will just be like we are.  He is my Dad and for that I am grateful and I am grateful he got to meet and enjoy B even if it was for a short time.

I think all in all he is who he is and that is ok.  He needs to make peace and I believe he will with himself, his choices, his family and so on.  I pray daily he does not suffer and that he knows that whether I agree with his choices on parenting I do think he did the best he could for whatever demons he faced in other aspects of his life. 

I am also grateful my sisters see him as a different man than I do.  I think that it makes it easier on me to know that he was there for 2 out of the 3!  Sad I know but it works in my head. 

Ok I should stop rambling on and on now as I am not even sure these words will be heard but for me they make me feel better.  It's like if I record it he will some how know that I am ok with the way things turned out.  My life is good and I hope if worse comes to worse he will at least be an angel to my son...