Memories

I was washing my hands last night in the bathroom in front of the mirror in the dark and my mind immediately wandered to being a young girl who was deathly scared of bloody mary.  I can remember walking the halls of that elementary wondering if one of my friends would pull me in and tell me to say her name spin and do whatever it was you were supposed to do.  In fact I was so scared I made my mom take the mirror out of our bedroom!

After that I just started thinking about things that trigger my memories.  Suave hairspray takes me back yo my sister doing my hair or getting ready in the apartment in California when we would visit my Dad in the summer.  Vegetable trays and cheeseballs were at every Thanksgiving.  Goulosh triggers an awful one of a huge bowl of that stuff that I swear we ate for days. 

We all have triggers for our past for our memories good and bad.  I love the obvious ones such as songs and movies or even the events of "where were you when?" but its the subtle ones I enjoy most.  Just walking outside with my son on a day that I could feel the ocean in the air took me back to a familiar feeling but not knowing what it was.  I called my Mom and she reminded me it felt like that in San Diego when we visited our Grandparents and here I was passing it on to B.

I hope that over the next 18 years or so (he can stay longer if he wants) I will be able to create some of those moments for B as well as creating more of my own for when he is not around.  I hope that he will find a favorite food he liked the smell of so he always has a sense of home.  That a particular cleaner, even if it is the vinegar, reminds him that we always tried to have fun but knew we also had to clean up our messes.

I hope when he dates that one person who may happen to use my brand of shampoo he will remember the many hugs and moments nestled on my shoulder.  They grow so fast and create such a path that we can only hope to steal a little part of all their wonderful memories. 

I know there will be bad memories just like the ones I have but I am not going to lie and say I will not do everything in my power to protect him from them or atleast to over ride them with good ones!  It's in the moments that we just catch a glimpse of a photo or a smell of something that we realize where we came from and although it molded us we can still forge our own path. 

I don't think hubby has as many memory kickstarts as I do but the ones he does have I have heard over and over.  He is so proud of the carrots he fed to the horses or that he made machine cookies.  I often think to myself when I hear those same memories over and over that I hope I can create more for B.  That his life right now is something he will cherish and adore unlike his father.

I did not have a perfect childhood heck a $1 reminds me of swiss cake rolls from the corner store that could last a week!  But what I do have is a lot of them.  I hope B's kaleidoscope of memories becomes full and varied and then I will know that I did a good job.